God revealed something to me this morning while I was sitting at work. It is very disturbing.
Jesus calls us to radically change from what we naturally are. A change from our sinful, natural state is the fruit of our faith. Without this change, what is the purpose or need of Jesus being in our life?
I often wonder if my kind, optimistic spirit is my natural, sinful state or is due to a radical change instigated by my walk with God. Why am I wondering this? Some would say, "as long as you love Jesus and love your neighbor you are doing what is right." This logic is just the same as saying, "as long as you have the correct answer on a test, that's all that matters- cheating or no cheating." I tell you, it is not the result that matters, but the path one takes to obtain that result. Loving my neighbor isn't good if my love is being derived from the wrong source; my love needs to come from God, not from my natural, sinful state.
I have a "helper" personality. I put others above myself and often help others at my expense. This sounds nice, right? The catch? I expect to be loved and be thanked by those I help. This is where my natural personality is sinful- it's selfish. My radical change that Jesus calls me to is to help others WITHOUT expecting repayment. This is the healthiest level that I can be at. Helping and loving others unconditionally is only achievable through God.
What was the disturbing revelation? I have wanted to incorporate God into all parts of my life. I want my kindness to be from God, not from my natural personality. This is a bit harder for men than it is for women. There is a book Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel. I have not read it, but I have heard about it. Below explains why I say that incorporating God in every aspect of life is generally more difficult for men:
"We do not mean that men "waffle" on all decisions and are generally unstable. What we mean is that men process life in boxes. If you look down at a waffle, you see a collection of boxes separated by walls. The boxes are all separate from each other and make convenient holding places. That is typically how a man processes life. Our thinking is divided up into boxes that have room for one issue and one issue only. The first issue of life goes in the first box, the second goes in the second box, and so on. The typical man lives in one box at a time and one box only. When a man is at work, he is at work. When he is in the garage tinkering around, he is in the garage tinkering. When he is watching TV, he is simple watching TV. That is why he looks as though he is in a trance and can ignore everything else going on around him. Social scientists call this "compartmentalizing" --that is, putting life and responsibilities into different compartments..."
"In contrast to men's waffle-like approach, women process life more like a plate of pasta. If you look at a plate of spaghetti, you notice that there are lots of individual noodles that all touch one another. If you attempted to follow one noodle around the plate, you would intersect a lot of other noodles, and you might even switch to another noodle seamlessly. That is how women face life. Every thought and issue is connected to every other thought and issue is some way. Life is much more of a process for women than it is for men. This is why women are typically better at multitasking than men. She can talk on the phone, prepare a meal, make a shopping list, work on the agenda for tomorrow's business meeting, give instructions to her children as they are going out to play, and close the door with her foot without skipping a beat. Because all her thoughts, emotions, and convictions are connected, she is able to process more information and keep track of more activities."
At work, I received an e-mail from a man with whom I go to church. I met him at a retreat this past Saturday and found out that he works in the same building as I; probably just right across the hall, too. His e-mail was simple yet powerful:
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Matt,
thanks so much for the great music! (St Francis)
thanks, Mike
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Two things were at work here: 1) he took the time to remember my name from the retreat, look it up in the NASA KSC e-mail directory, and send me an e-mail thanking me for playing guitar at his retreat 2) He was talking about church- at work. When I read his thanks at work about a retreat at church, it felt weird. This feeling is easily explained by the excerpts from the book above. I didn't want to combine my compartments- church and work. They are separate parts of my life with different people. Except this is no longer the case. A member from my church works in the same building as I.
This instigated some more introspection of my relationship with God. Am I "compartmentalizing" God? I do bring a devotional to work in attempt to integrate God into each of my compartments. Is that enough? What can I do so that God is the syrup in my life, saturating each and every compartment?
This is something that I have to think and pray about for a while. With time, God will give me some kind of answer.